A For Angst
by Le0n
Summary: Love is all Allison Cameron wants...
1. Chapter 1

A For Angst

She stood quiet near the bedroom's door, staring at him with a sad gleam on her blue eyes, unable to mumble a word of comfort to the man she admired, the man that rescued her from her dark past, the man that showed her that she could know the meaning of love once again.

He was sitting on the couch, with his eyes closed, drinking a scotch to relieve the pain that was consuming him because of what they had done…once more.

He talked to her several times about these nights of sinful sex, saying that they shouldn't pursue this course of tragic events; their relationship was based on false hopes and that was the main reason they couldn't have a bright future as a couple. He just couldn't bear the look of sadness on her face anymore, her constant attacks of crying every time she remembered his failure to be the man she wished him to be. Gregory House was absolutely sure that one day he was going to do something that would destroy her and that thought was consuming him.

She knows perfectly well that he doesn't love her, he said it several times; House is a man that just can't afford to believe in these kinds of feelings. Words like love, compassion, friendship and sympathy were erased from his dictionary a long time ago; he didn't have any use for them anymore.

'I need my misery, my arrogance, my nihilism, these are the true feelings that keep alive, not…not a hypothetic love for you, Cameron,' he once said to her while she was dressing in the leaving room.

She never condemned him for his behaviour; he saw things in life that she could only imagine, things that destroyed his faith in the human race, things that were keeping them apart…

How could a man that has everything, intelligence, passion for his work, looks, admiration from his co-workers, be so cold hearted to other people? What kind of experience had enough power to bring this ocean of sadness to the life of this extraordinary man?

His leg can't be the answer to that question, many people continued with their lives after an incident that almost wiped them off from the face of the Earth. Even Wilson, the only person that remained by his side after he got out of the hospital can't understand the cause to such drastic change.

"For all the men you could fall in love with, you had to fall for House," he once let it slip during a conversation. "Don't get me wrong, I love the man like a brother, but since Stacy left him…the man repressed all his emotions."

Cameron didn't agree or disagree with him; she must be the last person on Earth with enough moral to judge another human being.

Gregory House wasn't the only one with a terrible past; she alone had a couple of secrets that were consuming her fragile soul since she entered into adulthood.

While she was in college, she used to be a really party girl, consuming alcohol, drugs, sleeping with every man that showed the slightest interest in her.

During one of those night stands, she got pregnant at the tender age of seventeen, without knowing who the father was. Her first reaction was to make an abortion, a horrible thought that appeared to her during a moment of total desperation, but after much consideration she decided that it wasn't the child's fault she got into those passives sexual adventures.


	2. Chapter 2

Nine months later she delivered a beautiful baby girl. Two days after that she gave her for adoption, the most difficult thing she ever had to do during her short life.

Her existence since that moment became meaningless, to say the least. Without the support from her parents, without the help from her friends, without the love from a man, she stayed most of the following days on her dorm crying several hours in a row. She was all alone in a world that doesn't tolerate weakness.

Cameron's pain only got eased several months later, when she met a man that was a fellow student at the college she chose to pursue a career as a doctor.

This man knew her reputation as an easy girl, but he never cared about that. He was so much in love with her that one time he had to punch a guy that was making an abrupt move on her, an act of passion that became the dean's basis to suspend him for a period of two weeks.

That situation marked the turning point in Allison Cameron's life. She fell for her protector after that event, marrying him almost two weeks later; she was in the right path to recover her willing to live, she could finally feel some happiness again.

But the marriage wasn't going to last very long…

Even though he told Cameron that he had an incurable disease that was overriding his body, she didn't backed out from her original intentions. If the man she loved was going to die in less than a year, then she would make sure that he would have a memorable time.

Cameron wasn't going to let him die alone in a room hospital.

She never looked at another man after his funeral; his memory was still present in her life. That changed after she met him, Dr. Gregory House, a man that was so devastated by his past that she could feel his sadness around her, making her fall in love again.

"Are you waiting for a bus or something? You've been standing there for almost ten minutes," said House with an empty expression on his face.

"I was just looking at you, wondering what you were thinking," said Cameron with a gloomy smile.

"Bad move, Cameron, not even God wants to know what I'm thinking; my thoughts scare him."

Cameron grabbed a sheet from the bed to cover her naked body, walking slowly to the sofa where Gregory House was to sit next to him.

"You don't need to punish yourself every time we make love, House, you haven't committed any crime."

She fought her instinct to put one of her hands on his shoulder; he didn't like human contact very much.

"Actually you are wrong, Cameron, I have to do this, I feel like I've just abused a little child."

"I'm no child, House, I'm a grown up that knows exactly what she's doing."

House didn't look at her beautiful face. He was fascinated by the rain that was knocking heavily on the living room window.

"You don't know what you are doing, Cameron, you are just living in a fantasy, a fable created by your brain to convince you that this is the ideal life for you," mumbled House with remorse.


	3. Chapter 3

Cameron still remembered the words House said to her at their date, 'You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you are looking for another charity case.'

Those words hurt her, more than he could ever have imagined. The insinuation that she only liked him because he was a damaged man, made her question every single decision she took in her life, specially the ones that she took after her husband's death.

Could it be possible that her life was that shallow, could her lack of emotions be the reason she usually looked for comfort on other's problems, does she really have a need to save House from himself?

She made this question hundreds and hundreds of times, and the answer was always the same; she didn't possess the power to control her feelings. In fact, how could she simplify an emotion that was intended to be difficult to understand?

"Why do you find it hard to believe that a girl like me could fall for you?" asked Cameron, innocently.

"Why do I find it hard to believe, Cameron?" repeated House with a vicious smile on his face. "Well, for starters it's not normal thing to do. Immature girls like you usually look for men that can protect them from the world.

"Wounded girls, like you obviously are, don't want a man that could only bring misery to their pathetic lives, it's a fact; there are studies to prove this if you don't believe me.

"Second, I never showed any interest in a romantic relationship with you. Sure, I like to stare at you, that's why I hired you in the first place, but that doesn't mean I like you, Cameron.

"Third, I always treated you like a slave, not like an equal. Unless you are a freak who likes to be spanked once in a while…should I really continue, I think I've made my case already," cut House with boredom.

Cameron didn't loose her cool because of House's coldness towards her; she was used to this kind of behaviour from him every time he wanted to make her go away.

"Love can't be explained with logic, House, even you have to admit that."

"It should, the divorce rate in this country would fall ninety nine percent if a man could choose the woman that he wants to spent the rest of his life with."

"You know what your problem is, House? You like being miserable, it gives you a reason to alienate others."

"Is that a bad thing? The last time I checked, miserable people were more interesting than the rest of the cattle."

"You can't be serious."

"Of course I am. Tell me, what's more appealing; a cop that returns to his family everyday after a hard day of work or a cop that goes after the man that killed his wife because?"

Cameron was too shocked by House's question to give him an answer.

"I'm glad you agree with me," said House with a smile after seeing her reaction.

"Is that the reason you can't afford to love me?" asked Cameron.

"What reason?" House really didn't know what she was talking about.

"Come on, House, it's obvious that you are afraid to be happy with someone that is different from you."

"Now you are projecting you delusions towards me, Cameron."

"Am I right or not?" insisted Cameron.

House refused to be disarmed by her persistence; he wouldn't let Cameron escape from her flaws as woman by making him the delusional of the relationship. He was the one in control of this game, not her.

"Before I answer your question, let me ask this; if you could choose who to fall in love with, would you have fallen for your husband…and for me?"


	4. Chapter 4

He looked straight into Cameron's eyes. House was hoping to catch her in a lie, anxious to see her vacillating before the truth, desperate to receive a new cargo of ammo to put her out of her misery.

"I can't answer that question, House," said Cameron with a tone of voice that was bursting with fear.

"Yes you can, you only need to open your mouth and say 'yes' or 'no'," mocked House.

"It doesn't matter if I say yes or no, House, you just want to use my response against me. I'm not going to give you the satisfaction to ridicule me."

"Don't be stupid, Cameron, I can ridicule you at any time of the day. I can say that you like me because your father was an absent figure during your childhood, I can say that your mother tried to transform you into a perfect being and that you are trying to do the same thing with me, I can say that you were molested as a child and that's because you like older men, I can say… "

"Shut up, House," shout Cameron full of anger.

Why is he doing this to her, why can't he acknowledge her love as a pure emotion, why does he think that she's a fool for looking comfort on his arms?

Cameron never asked anything about his past, she accepted his dark nature the moment she met him, but House… House wanted an explanation for the inexplicable. She just wanted a fresh start for her life, was that too much to ask?

"Why do you keep sleeping with me if you think that I'm damaged goods, why are you doing this to me, House?" asked Cameron while hiding her tears.

"Excuse me; you are the one who keeps banging at my door every night. I'm not a stupid man, Cameron, if a beautiful girl like you wants to do kinky stuff with me I'm not going…"

He should have known that she was going to slap him in face. All that sadness inside her couldn't be sustained forever; the human body wasn't built to support the damages these kinds of situations tend to provoke.

At least the sting on his cheek was keeping him from thinking about the pain that was devouring his leg right now.

Cameron had to get away from him immediately. She couldn't stay one more second in a place that was full of angst, full of misery, full of demons; Cameron wouldn't survive another day in hell and she knew it.

After getting up from the couch, Cameron picked her clothes from the living room's floor and with a fast pace she got out House's apartment, slamming the door behind her.

"Does this mean that you won't come tomorrow?" asked House before finishing the bottle of scotch.

Wilson was already sleeping when the tune of his cell phone woke him up. He tried to ignore the atrocious sound that was spreading threw the air by putting his pillow over his head, but the person on the other side of the line refused to hang up, knowing very well that Wilson was just being lazy.

He cursed the person that was disturbing his much deserved sleep when he glanced at the clock next to his cell, no one in his perfect mind would call him at three in the morning.

_This better be an emergency," _thought Wilson, picking up the phone to answer it.

His jaw fell on his lap when he saw the name of the person that was calling him on the cell's panel. "House, do you know what time is it? I had just fallen asleep when…"

.Wilson interrupted himself to rub his eyes with the hand that was free. A sad smile appeared on his lips. "Oh, God, you slept with Cameron again, didn't you?"


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm sorry; I must have dialled the wrong number. I wanted to talk to James Wilson and not with a medium from the psychic line," replied House with a tone of voice that was almost imperceptible.

Wilson knew that House wasn't in his normal self. By the way he was talking to him, Wilson guessed that he had loaded his body with an excessive amount of painkillers and that his blood stream was filled with alcohol.

"Are you drunk?" asked Wilson, concerned with his best friend's health.

"Drunk is such a strong word to use, I prefer to say that I am… ah, forget it. You caught me, I'm drunk."

In the background Wilson could hear a song that became very familiar to him in the last months, a tool that House recently started to use to demonstrate his state of mind since he would never express it by words.

"Is that Massive Attack you are listening to?" he asked.

"Yes it is. 'Unfinished Sympathy' is a great tune, isn't it?"

Wilson heard the impact of an empty bottle on floor. "The lyrics of the song are a little gloomy to my taste."

"Oh, shut up, what do you know about music?"

"That's a great idea, House, to insult your only friend," sighed Wilson.

"You are not my only friend, Jimmy. I was going to call Kevin from Bookkeeping, but apparently I've lost his number…"

"For the last time, his name is Carl," cried Wilson.

He knew that this wasn't the right time to make stupid jokes, but he couldn't help it; House always liked to play with serious issues. He didn't mind about that, Wilson unfortunately had to learn that these conversations were all House had to fill his melancholic nights, the only weapon that he had found to ignore the chaos that was his life since he started seeing Cameron.

"Is Cameron still there?"

"I don't want to talk about Cameron," spat an anxious House.

"Then why did you call?"

"Well, I've just finished my late night snack and I can't find any dessert… so I was hoping that you could come here and make me one."

"Since you consider a bottle of scotch and a bottle of Vicodin a meal, I can only imagine what you mean by dessert," said Wilson with sarcasm.

House laughed hard after hearing these words. "You can bring a pack of cigarettes if you want; I'm not strange with food."

"Knock it off, House; you have more important things to think about right now... For instance, do you know where Cameron is?" asked an unenthusiastic Wilson.

House was disappointed. "Shouldn't you be worried with me?"

"You aren't the victim in this situation, House, what you are doing to her is…"

"That girl intrigues me," cut House.

"Oh and why is that?"

"C'mon, Wilson, she has skeletons inside her closet and she is guarding the key with all her strengths. No one as beautiful as she is can be that nice, it's impossible. Unless she was an ugly duck, who had to develop her personality during college, she…" House didn't know what to say for the first time in his life.

"Allison just wants someone to love her, House, there's no big mystery there."

"But why, why love? Why can't she drink like a normal person to fulfil the hole she has in her… you know what I'm talking about, right?"

"What do you want me to say, House?"

Wilson wanted to play the part of the sympathetic friend, but he also knew that he wasn't in a good position to give advices regarding love. A man that was married three times had to have a lot of issues of his own. "Do you know this expression, 'Omnia Vincit Amor'?"

"You know, a conversation is going nowhere when one of the parts starts using Latin expressions," replied House, disappointed.

Wilson ignored the commentary. "It means 'Love Conquers All', and for me that's the type of motto that Cameron uses to live her life. It doesn't matter if you are poor, unhappy, miserable, and lonely; the only thing that matters is the hope that love can cure all your problems."

"OK, now I know why you usually cheat on your wives," murmured House.

"I thought that we were talking about you, not me."

"I'm done talking about me."

"Then this conversation is over."

A scary silence broke between those two men. They knew that they were two different sides of the same coin and because of that they would never agree in anything. It's ironic how they need each other to survive.

"Can you make me a favour?" asked House.

"It depends of the favour."

"Tell Cuddy that I'm not going to be able to arrive on time to work in the clinic."

"You never arrive on time," mocked Wilson.

"I know, what I want is for you…" House doesn't talk about these things. He can't admit to another human being that he cares about others.

"I'll make sure Cameron is all right, don't you worry about that."

"Who cares what you do or not do?"

"Don't mention it."

This was the only thanks Wilson would receive from his best friend.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. About the errors in my writing; English is not my main language and I haven't found anyone to beta read the chapters of my story…but I'm working on it. This is a very sad chapter but I promise that things will get better in the future, but not in the near future. Sorry… _

Cameron's first reaction when she entered the car was to hit the wheel with all the energy she possessed, cursing herself because of the tears she was shedding for a man that didn't deserve her empathy, much less her love.

House's last words were still pounding on her ears like a sledgehammer, a ghostly whisper that was echoing on her troubled mind to make her rethink the plans she had made for her immediate future. "'Does this mean that you won't come tomorrow'," Cameron kept repeating between her sobs.

Allison Cameron never believed in God, she couldn't afford to accept the existence of a higher power that was punishing her for the offences she committed during youth and at the same time neglecting the tragedies that were destroying the world she learnt to esteem. But now, now she was wishing for someone to help her to support this wretched hour.

She couldn't live with the hate that was overshadowing the driving force that was behind her feelings for House. The repulsion that his conduct towards her on their work place caused her was more than enough to attest the spiral of destruction she entered, he didn't need to label her a slut just because he took her nocturne visits for granted.

"That son of a bitch…"

Unfortunately, Gregory House was right in his assumption. Tomorrow night she would return to his home with the purpose to reduce the loneliness she emerged several years ago, hoping that he would take some of his time to talk to her instead of ripping her clothes off the second she stepped into the living room of his apartment.

Sometimes she wondered if sex was all House wanted from her. After all, it was House who put this chain of events in motion by kissing her in the hospital's garage, it was House who convinced her to go to his apartment the first time they slept together, it was House who pledged to never abandon her.

Cameron thought that House's change of heart indicated that he was ready to love again, but with time she discovered that the man she loved only wanted her company because she was cheaper that a hooker; she meant absolutely nothing to him.

Her screams filled the night's air, stifling the thunders that were destroying the cloudy sky; how could she continue with her life if her past was always present to haunt her?

Cameron's pain only got worse when she started thinking about her dead husband and how much she missed him. The only man that ever treated her like a person with feelings couldn't comfort her anymore.

Worst off all, Cameron missed a daughter she never knew…


End file.
